Current mood:	determined
Entry tags:	soul

You pay a price for perfection
"look what you've done to me now, you've made me perfect!"

i feel like i've lost my soul.

i am not the least bit unhappy with my life. i'm actually very content with every aspect of it. i enjoy school, work can be frustrating but fun thanks to awesome co-workers, i've got a wonderful boyfriend, and i have enough to do at home to keep myself busy. i sleep well at night. i'm usually in a good mood. i don't have money problems. there is no drama in my life. i finish the things i start and i'm not behind in any of my work. i'm more responsible now than i have ever been. but could all this be the problem?

when i was younger i was always searching. i felt like there was something i was missing about the world. an energy. a power. something overlooked by most people. but i had this awareness of it. and though i didn't know what it was, i was definitely looking to find it. i felt a connection to it. like it wanted me to find it. i could feel it in the wind. i could sense it. at one point it seemed so strong i could almost touch it. like if i concentrated hard enough i could hold it in my hands. i knew one day i would have it.

but something happened. i got busy. i got involved with other people. i got preoccupied. it has been years. at least 5 or 6. i've been so busy worrying about school and work and my family and other loved ones that i forgot about what i had been searching for. i fell into this routine, just as everyone does, of going about life as just how we see it. people, work, school, cars, buildings, problems, love, our tangible (for lack of a better word) aspects of life. i forgot about the energy i felt surrounding us all.

i want to let everything go. i want to wander off alone and let the world of cars and people and work disappear behind me. i want to sense it again. i want to connect with the earth, and feel it again. this was such a huge part of me before and i just let it go. i feel like i lost what set me apart from everything and everyone else. i want to find that energy again, i want to discover what it really is, know what it means, understand it. but for some reason it is so hard. you have to escape yourself and the world around you. fall out of your life and where you are for a few moments and become aware of what's around you. but in this day it is so difficult. these days it seems like i can only feel the nostalgia of how i once thought and perceived things.

but i am determined to get back to that place. i want to continue my search, discover what is to be discovered, and finally know what it all means. i will do this. but first, i have to train myself to get back to that state of mind. i don't care how long it takes. all i have is time.



soul, i will find you again.