...makes everything better. that movie enlightens me. it seriously just reminded me to chill and pay attention to the beautiful things that are normally taken for granted. like the silent of the house in the morning. the sun just peaking over the horizon. light music. discovering something new in the world, or in yourself, or in someone else. it made me think of looking into someone's eyes and just reading them. whenever i do that, i also wonder what they're reading in me. if they're reading things correctly. i think i have a misleading face. but the eyes are very different. and eyes alone are so beautiful. there can be so many different colors in one eye. it could be blue around the outside, with a lighter blue towards the middle, kind of blooming like an incredibly small daisy.. or olive green around the outside, and brown with bits of gold around the middle. lightening as it gets closer to the pupil. and there's always the black ring around the outer most edge, trapping in all that intense color. containing it. sometimes i think i could stare at someone's eyes for a good 30 minutes, just analyzing the color spectrum.

there are so many more things i'd like to say. god i should be sleeping. but all i want to do is keep finding more beautiful things. i can just feel my mind expanding. i felt so terrible when i came home tonight and now i just feel so... light. i don't want to waste time sleeping. i can't wait to wake up in a few hours.

i really want to find a place to escape... still. some place completely cut off from the world. somewhere completely natural. i want to be lost in the forest. or sitting beside a gentle river. somewhere covered in snow, yet still alive. cold and silent. somewhere beautiful and free. i don't want to hear a single car, plane, lawn mower, construction instrument, person. well, maybe just one other person. the only thing i can think of that would be better than finding a place like this, would be to share it with someone that would feel it the way i would. who knows whether that is even possible. i believe it is though.

today was fun, and it sucked balls. i wasn't home so my family went out to eat at a nice restaurant and didn't tell me until after the fact. we had only been planning this "dinner" for like 2 months. no big deal. also, at about the same time i found that out, minh freaked out on me for hanging out with someone and decided he never wants to see me again. awesome. actually it's pretty unbelievable.

in addition to all this, one of my albino catfish died. a minor detail.

to cheer myself up, i think i'm going to make some tea, and watch a movie. or take a bath. either way there's going to be tea involved.

on the bright side, hanging out with nick was really fun today, so it wasn't all bad.

lately i've really been wanting to play a RPG, but i don't wanna pay to play one! anyone know of a good one that's free??? please and thank you.

goodnight.

today was a fairly good day. the doctor went smoothly. so did school. i was at work for 29 minutes and then i got to go home. i spent the last 4 hours messing with my phone and putting picture on my facebook. getting a new phone tomorrow cos my current one sucks balls. watching the play at school tomorrow. then watching The Proposal with Minh cos he wants to see it! hookay. also taking my car back to Sears to see if they fucked up when they replaced the battery. sunday is my day off!

stole this idea from cults 



( come on in... )

i wish there were more people awake at crazy hours of the night like i am. every night i get home from work and i really feel like talking to someone and there is no one to talk to. :[ my stupid schedule...

this morning i dreamt that a massive tornado came through orlando and destroyed everything. it ripped the front part of my house off, and ravaged my backyard. then these 3 semi-trucks drove through my backyard and destroyed anything that was left. then my house cracked into 2 or 3 pieces and began to fall into a sink hole. after my house was half way under ground everything stopped. we began to come out of the house and saw that other people were doing the same. walking out of the house, climbing over debris, everything looked like ancient ruins. there was no evidence of the 3 sheds that used to be in my back yard, but more people were beginning to emerge. i left my family and friends in the house (they were all safe) to explore. walking around i began to see that some of the people were hostile, and i realized i needed to get back to my family where it was safe. a man carrying a bow and arrow then spotted me and started coming towards me with it raised. i ducked behind a bolder as he fired, and the arrow stuck into the ground just to my right. i grabbed it, and as the man came around the rock i stabbed him in the shoulder just above the heart. i was now on my back trying to keep my distance as i pushed the arrow deeper into him. it slowed him, but it seemed as if he was about to do the same to me. just as the point was about to touch my skin, my friend (who was in the house with me at the time of the tornado, but took off as soon as it was over) ran up with a weapon that mocked a scythe, and scalped the man! after that he vanished again. i was slightly annoyed but i ran back to my broken house to find my family. when i got back, government vehicles were surrounding the area. they were ushering people into black vans. instantly i knew what was to become of the world. Images of the world from The Running Man filled my head. the government would control everything. everything down to a T. our freedom, our lives, would be over. we would do everything they said. suddenly i knew why my friend had fled. i called him on my cell phone (i guess somehow the phone towers were still in tact?) and told him to come get me, that i was going with him. we were going to fight! i gathered a few things, some clothes and shoes, and walked out the front of my remaining house. i walked down a few streets, trying to recognize where i was. my friend walked up next to me. "i can't even tell what road this is," i said. but before he could answer i realized we were standing on 441. with our bags, we began walking.

so i'm a moron. i went to the beach saturday with some friends. i didn't put enough sun screen on. and i'm more burnt than i've ever been in my life. sunday i was so sick i couldn't get out of bed. when i did, i almost threw up and passed out. it was freaking me out. i'm pretty sure i had sun poisoning. today i'm not sick, but my body hurts a lot and my left leg is swollen. i went to a clinic and got some antibiotics and lotions. i skipped work tonight and prolly won't go tomorrow. i have to go to school tomorrow though because of stupid final projects. it's going to be a looong day.



i'm never letting myself get sunburned again. i'd rather be ghostly pale.

cutest thing ever.

i haven't eaten meat in 5 days. i'm proud of myself. though i wasn't planning on doing this so soon. i'm sure i'll falter soon enough.


i just have to say that American Apparel makes the weirdest fucking clothes ever. their site just boggles my mind. most of their models are weird looking (though i'm not trying to say they have to be gorgeous, i'm just making an observation), the photography is TERRIBLE, and for some reason they photograph women completely nude with just a mesh "dress" on, or only a pair of their ugly ass pants on. i don't see why that's necessary at all. and why do they need to sell mesh dresses anyway??? not to mention unisex pants in weird colors, and fanny packs. really?! gah!


so does anybody out there know of any other stores or websites that sell American-made clothing? something that a 20-year-old female would wear, not a 40-year-old man. probably not though..


as usual my supervisor is an idiot, and UPS is a piece of shit. but at least we're making money.


as usual i'm tired as fuck, yet i'm up and at the computer typing uselessly to no one.


as usual i miss Minh, but i'll see him tomorrow and sunday!

ok, sleep.

i saw third eye blind last night with Minh and it was a great show. never in my life did i think i'd see that band perform. i love spur of the moment things! after the show we went to IHOP, which was a bad idea cos about 40 Disney workers all decided to come there at once and act like they owned the place (we were in Lake Buena Vista). they were actually climbing over booths and yelling and being so inconsiderate of the other customers. one of them actually sprayed me with water somehow, and their attempt at an apology was, "oh don't worry, it's clean water that no one has drank out of." fucking idiots.

i've done a lot of researching, learning, and thinking about my health and about the world that is ours today. i've had many inspirations for this. videos i've seen about human trafficking really impacted me. reading about all the unnecessary and cruel things that people do to animals and other human beings. and my personal need to feel better.

i've noticed that no matter how much or little sleep i get, i feel tired and have no energy. if i sit down for 5 minutes i nearly fall asleep. i've had plenty of red bulls and sodas. i want a healthier alternative. a more natural way to get energy. so i've decided to change my diet. i'm going to take vitamins, eat more fruits and veggies, and eventually i want to become vegetarian again. i say eventually because i plan to do it slowly but surely, so i don't punk out again, plus i'm researching recipes and places to get food. i don't want this to go wrong again. vegetarianism has been something i've wanted to try again since i quit in high school. i feel like now is a great time to do it. i'm smarter about it, plus i've seen how successful other people can be at it. holly and minh both gave up meat and just being around them has made me want to do it again. they don't try to force it on me, but it makes it easier to adopt the habits when you're around them daily. and honestly i see no reason not to do this. i have all the knowledge, resources, and help i could need.

along with that, i want to do some light working out. i don't want to lose weight, just tone some and improve my cardio [which isn't bad now, but still it couldn't hurt.] and being healthier will ultimately make me feel better.

something else i want to do is greatly limit or end my use of overseas products; i only want to buy American made products. i do not want to support any form of human trafficking (as i've talked about before). i don't want clothes or products that come from sweatshops where people are forced to work 16-hour days for little or no money at all. where they are given the bare minimum of food and water to survive on. where they have to sleep on concrete floors and sometimes are never allowed to leave the warehouse. i have the ability to eliminate my purchasing of products from companies that allow these kinds of working conditions to take place, so i shall.


so my GOALS are:
-eat healthier and reach a vegetarian diet
-do some exercise such as biking or running
-buy only American products

i don't know how long it may take me to reach all of these goals, but i'm not putting a limit to my time. the important things is that i reach the goals, not when.

http://twitter.com/MandaB666


add me. or "follow" me. whateva.

there are so many things i want or need to do that require money.

more and more i want a motorcycle. since minh sold his i NEVER get to ride one anymore. i was looking at some awesome mopeds, but even they are expensive, and i feel that if i'm going to spend a good sum of money on one, i want it to go more than 30mph. so i'm thinking more along the lines of a 250cc bike. then again i do NOT have 1.5k to throw down right now. =[ sigh...

i also have more tattoo ideas i'd like to fullfill. one with special flowers, and i've been thinking of adding something to the script on my arm, i'm just not sure how yet.

there's also my car, which is in desperate need of new brakes and an oil change. after taking care of that i'm not going to know what to do with my money. i'm so torn!!!!


and tired. whew. i got yelled at tonight at work for working too slow. bite me UPS. i know they're looking for ways to get rid of people. looking more closely at their "production and performance", blah blah. fuck off. i was tired. i was at school all fucking day and then when straight to work. that's probably going to make me a little slower than usual. and it's fucked up, there are definitely other people in my area that don't do shit all night long, but they have their heads so far up the supervisor's asses that it doesn't matter if they slack off and get paid for it. stupid cocksuckers (and i mean that literally.)

i have felt so weird lately. not physically but mentally. i have this need to escape. i want to connect with nature. i want to wander off into nowhere, to be away from buildings and cars and people and civilization, to be alone. i need to isolate myself from the rest of the world and just think. i'm just not sure where to go anymore. i need to be somewhere i can only hear the wind, and know i am totally alone. this probably sounds totally morbid or something but it's not, i'm just weird.

tomorrow i'm going to see Thursday with Minh. I'm excited. he's never seen them and they're one of his favorite bands. i saw them once, quite a few years ago.

i can't stop listening to Depeche Mode's Violator album. it's so good!!!

ok that's it. i'm going to shower and read for hours. goodnight!

this may seem a little random, but yesterday i was browsing the interwebz, looking for info on Lucy Liu, after having watched the movie Lucky Number Slevin (badass movie btw). i found out that she hosted an episode of MTV EXIT, a documentary about human trafficking in Asia and Europe. i just watched all 3 documentaries on the website, and it has definitely impacted me. it was very hard to keep myself from crying as i heard the stories from men, women and children who were sold into this modern day slavery.

i want to do something to help prevent this. seeing as i don't pay for sex, i don't have to worry about giving money to pimps or people forcing women into prostitution. but i know a lot of the products i buy are not from the U.S. so starting now i want to try to buy things made in America, so that i am not supporting factories where people are forced to work 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, for minimum food and shelter, and where people are abused. this isn't the easiest thing to do though. i will probably need to do research to be sure i'm getting products that don't support these inhumane and disgusting establishments.

so my question is this: what do you know about trafficking? i've always been aware that it is going on in the world, but until now it hasn't really been brought to my attention like this. what do you know about fair trade? do you know places to go to get legitimate American products, or products from over seas that do not come from sweatshops, factories or warehouses that thrive off of abusing their "employees"?

here is a link to the site with the documentaries. they are only 30 minutes each, and sooo worth watching. so please take a look. give me your input. like i said, this is something sort of new to me, so i would love to discuss it with anyone.

thanks for reading!

http://www.mtvexit.org/eng/docindex.html

"look what you've done to me now, you've made me perfect!"

i feel like i've lost my soul.

i am not the least bit unhappy with my life. i'm actually very content with every aspect of it. i enjoy school, work can be frustrating but fun thanks to awesome co-workers, i've got a wonderful boyfriend, and i have enough to do at home to keep myself busy. i sleep well at night. i'm usually in a good mood. i don't have money problems. there is no drama in my life. i finish the things i start and i'm not behind in any of my work. i'm more responsible now than i have ever been. but could all this be the problem?

when i was younger i was always searching. i felt like there was something i was missing about the world. an energy. a power. something overlooked by most people. but i had this awareness of it. and though i didn't know what it was, i was definitely looking to find it. i felt a connection to it. like it wanted me to find it. i could feel it in the wind. i could sense it. at one point it seemed so strong i could almost touch it. like if i concentrated hard enough i could hold it in my hands. i knew one day i would have it.

but something happened. i got busy. i got involved with other people. i got preoccupied. it has been years. at least 5 or 6. i've been so busy worrying about school and work and my family and other loved ones that i forgot about what i had been searching for. i fell into this routine, just as everyone does, of going about life as just how we see it. people, work, school, cars, buildings, problems, love, our tangible (for lack of a better word) aspects of life. i forgot about the energy i felt surrounding us all.

i want to let everything go. i want to wander off alone and let the world of cars and people and work disappear behind me. i want to sense it again. i want to connect with the earth, and feel it again. this was such a huge part of me before and i just let it go. i feel like i lost what set me apart from everything and everyone else. i want to find that energy again, i want to discover what it really is, know what it means, understand it. but for some reason it is so hard. you have to escape yourself and the world around you. fall out of your life and where you are for a few moments and become aware of what's around you. but in this day it is so difficult. these days it seems like i can only feel the nostalgia of how i once thought and perceived things.

but i am determined to get back to that place. i want to continue my search, discover what is to be discovered, and finally know what it all means. i will do this. but first, i have to train myself to get back to that state of mind. i don't care how long it takes. all i have is time.



soul, i will find you again.

i have an insane migraine right now. it not only hurts, but feels like my brain is burning. i guess the pain isn't the worst i've had since i can still sit at the computer, but the burning is weird and scary. i'm trying to just ride it out and keep my mind off it while the medicine starts working. it can take up to an hour and a half =[

well this weekend was prolly the best ever in a long time. saturday night i went to Minh's house to enjoy some incredibly delicious crawfish and coronas. then we hung out for a while and i got to stay at his house for the night since i was drinking and tired and kinda just crashed. this i woke up this morning, before noon for the first time in months. and we spent the whole day together, shopping and walking/driving around, and watching movies. the next time it's nice outside and we have the time, i'm making him go to Lake Eola to ride the swan boats with me! we went down there today but there was a farmer's market going on and it was packed as fuck and we couldn't even park. so instead we went to the book store and looked at stuff in there for an hour or so. after that we went to Publix, blockbuster, and a Chinese place. what we ended up with was french bread, tofurkey, green apples, the movies Equilibrium and Imprint, and Chinese donuts.

so i've wanted a pet rat for some years now. my parents would never allow it, and i didn't wanna disrespect/piss them off by getting one anyway. well i talked to the mother unit a few days ago and she seems to be ok with it now. i asked if it could be my birthday gift. i really hope so! they're soooo cute and i'm in love with them.

tomorrow i have got to work on my lighting project or i'm not going to finish it. time to get productive!

So tonight at work some truck driver tried telling me how to do my job. I'll admit I was already a little crabby cos I was really hungry. I was definitely ready to leave. Things were slowing down and I was helping this dude get all the irregs [irregular packages and packages over 70lbs.] into the Cocoa truck so it could leave. There were a lot of really long tubes and crap like that. I just stood them up against the wall of boxes that was already there. Well a supervisor and some driver that wasn't even picking up the Cocoa truck came up and the driver happened to look in the truck and see how the irregs were laying. Apparently he didn't like it too much. He goes, "You know, you shouldn't stand those things up like that. You know why? Because when you stand them up like that they fall over when you're driving. And you know what happens when they fall over? They break. (At this point I had turned and was walking away from him.) And you know what happens when they break? You lose customers. And when you lose customers, you lose your job." I said, in what I thought was a quiet voice, "I don't really give a fuck." By that time I was already in the truck with another irreg and I just dropped it on the floor and kicked it to the side. When I turned around the driver was gone, but the supervisor was there laughing. Apparently he heard what I said and found it funny. Ever HE didn't care how I had loaded the damn packages. But he did find it amusing how irritated I was. It wasn't that he wanted me to load the packages differently that made me mad. It was how he spoke to me and talked down to me like I was some fucking dumbass peon. Ok dude, I'm sure when you were a loader, you loaded all your irregs perfectly into the truck. Right. If he had just been like, "Hey would you mind laying those boxes down so they don't fall over while I'm driving," I would have had no problem at all. Instead, he decided to be a royal dick about it. So I told the supervisor that the packages were fine. I even walked over and tried pulling on them and they didn't move. I said I wasn't re-loading them. Someone else did it instead. When I was heading out I saw that driver in the Vero truck helping the loader put the load retainer up. I guess he doesn't think we are capable of anything.

Now I will admit that I could have loaded the irregs better, but I wasn't really thinking about it, and to be honest I stand packages up like that all the time and no one has said a think to me about it. And when I stand them up like that I do so in a way so that they will not fall over. Maybe this guy drives like an asshole and slams on his breaks at the last minute. Who knows. Point is, he can suck my dick.

Happy Birthday DAD!!!!!


yuck, that envelope left a bad taste in my mouth.

the weekend was a good one. much more eventful that expected. i got my tattoo, as expected. just some script on my arm below my inner elbow. it reads, "don't lose your heart, you'll need it." i love it. it was so much faster and easier than my first one. cool beans.

i also did some shopping in this awesome oriental store in the mall. they had a crazy sale. i got a little dragon, a money frog, and some nice chop sticks, all for under 10 bucks! hell yes.

Minh and i went to shitty walk [city walk] saturday night to see My Bloody Valentine in 3D, but at first they wouldn't fucking let me in cos i'm only 20. i was royally pissed off. they had to "escort" me to the theatre, and then the movie was sold out. fucking lame!!!

sunday i bribed Minh with crawfish so he would stop working and let me come over, lol. we are fucking addicted man! it was fun though man, good weekend.

today i went to see a neurologist about my headaches. we reviewed my MRI and it was fine. the doctor told me i'm having frequent migraines, and gave me some medicine for it. i'm glad there were no REAL problems. however, i'm not thrilled about having to take stupid medicine everyday! i might only have to do it until May though. i hope, i hope.

Last night on the way to work I witnessed the most horrible, disgusting, disturbing thing I've ever seen in my life, easily. I was driving to work, and I was stopped at a red light. There were 2 cars in front of me at the light. I suddenly noticed a little calico kitten come out from under the car. I was so scared! I didn't move my car at all, and finally it ran off into the grass. I couldn't understand why a kitten would be in the street though. It was probably only a few weeks old.

Well the light turned green and we drove on, then again I saw ANOTHER kitten in the street, in oncoming traffic!, and it was rolling. I suddenly realized, with fucking horror, that the person 2 cars ahead of me was throwing kittens out the window into the street! At 50mph!!!! I had to swerve not to hit a little white one!

At that point I wasn't even accelerating anymore. I couldn't move. My jaw had dropped and I was frozen. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was trying to figure out what I should do. I thought about rear-ending the car in front of me I was so angry. Then I thought I should try to get the tag number of the car, and then I'd call the cops. But there was a car in between me and the one with the kittens, so I couldn't see it. Then the two cars quickly turned the corner and sped off with each other. I wanted to follow them but I was already late for work. I don't know if the 2 cars were working together, or if the second car realized what was going on and decided to do what I wanted to. I hope that was the case. I regret going to work now and not following the car. I don't know if the cats were hurt by the fall. I saw one run away, but they dropped one into the middle of the road between the 2 lanes of traffic. I didn't see what happened to that one.

I cannot believe there are people in this world that could do that to an animal. There are so many alternatives!! The SPCA, they could have tried selling them for money! Hell, they could have dropped them at someone's house and let someone else take them in or to a shelter. No living thing deserves to be treated like that. I seriously hope those people get hit by a car. And don't make it.